Part two- Story 1

When I first met him, well the first time we spoke was online on the internet. I was on this online dating site and I had met a few men but nothing stuck or even really caught my interest. Then I got this message from a guy who just messaged me out of the blue. I really wasn't paying too much attention and I told him my name and he said to me that he was really excited about it. I asked why and he said when he was a little boy that he had always wanted to be with a girl named Ella. I thought that was sweet, he asked me to meet him the next day so I said sure.
The next day when I was waiting for Jake at the park where he wanted me to meet him, I was a little nervous. I also remember being really thirsty. It was such a beautiful day in June with warmth in the air. Nothing was really known about this man I had willed myself to wait for except that he was going to be driving a white truck. The picture on his profile was not very clear so i didnt really know what he looked like for sure.
I was waiting for him at a picnic table and started to get antzy , so I started to walk around shading my eyes from the sun. With each sound of a vehicle approaching, I would look even more frantically. Then for some reason I couldn't remember what Jake had said he was driving or what color it was. So I started getting more and more nervous. Why was I getting all worked up over someone I had never even seen before, but it felt different, like it mattered or something. Then out of the corner of my eye, I noticed this man who was wearing sunglasses and leaning on a white truck, was watching me as I paced back and forth. If only I had known then what I know now. If only I trusted people more back then, then maybe now in the present, things wouldnt be the way they are now.
Those moments are burned into my mind forever. I feel some regret in this life I have now but also I possess knowledge which I didnt have then. I know the lonelyness and the longing I have felt. Why are people such fools and so eagar to jump into things with people who they barely even know their name? I watch my friend now who is so miserable and my heart goes to him. For he has true sadness. The two of us have known each other for quite a number of years now and we know each other inside and out. We have seen each other at our worst moments and survived. Yes the word survive is a word that seems to ring true to alot of us. Its a word that we live by sometimes and don't even know that we are meerly living on the brink of only scraping by. For me I know that I have allowed myself to live emotionally starved and squashed for what I really want.
We dont allow ourselves to admit feelings that we bottle up and lock up and throw away the key. Well at least hide it from harms way and then we dont even know how to open up anymore. I dont mean to sound jaded but life and relationships of any nature can be more than we bargined for. Fear is a funny thing. It keeps us at arms length from what we truely need or want. It stops us from living and moving forward, sometimes even from breathing. As I write this , I pause and allow myself to feel. Such soft waves of grace surround the world. If only we looked for it we wouldnt have to be alone.

Part One- Story 1

Today there is a man who walks the world alone. I know him well, he is a person who is so tender hearted that he wears his heart on his sleeve. That in its self isnt bad but the one thing is that he gets hurt. I will tell you a bit about me. I am a girl who seems to live agelessly. I am always told that I look like I am either a senior in high school or just graduated, which is nice because I am at least 12 years out of high school. My hair has changed many colors over the years and at the moment its a dark brown which was dyed a black with a bit of warmth added. A friend of mine recently looked at my hair and said she was jealous of how my hair hadn't faded. I wish i could tell her that there is this secret reason why and that there was a solution but like most things in life, that is not the case.
We do this as humans alot. We get it into our heads that everything is the way it is for a reason that is to make sense, and works in our favor somehow. Boy are we ever wrong. I mean since when is life that layed out and perfect. Yes thats right everyone, I get everything I ever want and nothing ever goes wrong. I laugh to myself and think if only that were true. Anyways, I digress, I was telling you about this man that I know.
Today had not been a very good day for him. There have been some girl toubles that he has been having and now she wont talk to him. I care for him so much. But what can you do. Maybe I'll start at the beginning. I have been in love very few times where it has been a for real thing and not some painful infatuation. We are so good at fooling ourselves of love arent we. Its the simple boy meets girl, he sees her beauty and she sees his charm and he sees her sparkle she sees him laugh and the sparks fly. The next part is always a bit more tricky though. I'm sure alot of you out there know what comes next. Yes there comes a date or two then that dreaded thing that we call reality seeps in and starts to put a crack in our mirrored image of what we think we see.

more to come.... this is a story i am writing

A special one

Life is full of so many things a magical mystery for us to unwrap from moment to moment.

What is it that inspires us to keep peering in to find out what we dont know? Is it the anticipation of the unknown tapping at us from all angles?

I sit here and think that I cant help but want to bring all of my sweet and funny and strange friends around me. I miss those that are away.

They bring out the interest of that unknown stuff. I will always look on facebook and want to see how they are.

I have a particular friend names sherri my little belt loops and sunflower seeds lady. My Sherri berri. I have known this lady for many years now. For over half of my life. She is the one who really changed me in so many ways. I know men in my life have changed me but Sher is such a pure and loving heart. Yes we bug each other like sisters. We have the rivalry and the competition. But we also have the warmth and the tender heart of pure love and compassion. In every time in my life where I really needed something or someone or didnt know how to say something or really wanted divine guidence, I always turned to her. Sher is the most driven and one of the most beautiful women of gods lovely daughters.

Sherri has lived out her life in many ways and things arent always easy for her, she gets obstacles like all of us but she isnt afraid to live. And she really desires to hear the promptings from god and she listens for him. And she captures beauty so well in her pictures.

I love you darling

soft thoughts

I sit here contemplating the future. You know you really have no control over other peoples happyness. One moment you may think so but really even if you love someone you really cant do anything to make things better. I mean having a conversation with someone can be intentionally wonderful and full of joy. And then the next moment it can become all melencoly and somber and may even make you cry.
It wanting that other person to feel better and knowing that you may not be able to stop their loss of hope or whatever it may be.

Im not talking about anyone or any thing inparticular.

roses are red violets are blue
God I love you

My Best friend

Theres a wonderful person who i love very much. Shes a very bright and witty and punney girl lol. Her eyes are very green and her hair has soft bouncy curls or she has her cute bangs. I would do anything for her. She is so great. I have needed her more and more over the years and we have so much fun together. Shes a very interesting girl. She once drew a graffiti picture on facebook that looked so real. She has a talent. I wish that she would see the beauty that I see in her. Sometimes she has troubles but that has never bothered me. It makes me able to be needed. I have watched her grow and change over time and she really has a lovely life. I am so proud of her. Her love for God is beyond most peoples understanding.

She has the most beautiful love with her husband. He is a special man. I always told her that the man who would love her and cherish her was out there. Then she found her wonderful Hubby. The love he has for her makes me so greatful and pleased because when I cant be there for her I feel good that I know she is well taken care of. I am very protective of her because she has been through more than a persons share of bad things. And to see her surrounded by such loving family and husband and friends makes me happy.

I pray that everyone will see the world through her fresh eyes. She sees the world for its beauty and she sees God in all of it. She trusts in God in a way that all of us should only hope to aspire to.

I hope that everyone out there has a friend who is that way.

day 3 or 4 of no smoking

Wow its been an adventure so far. I mean its very amazing at how much will power I seem to have. More than I thought I would. My bf and I were just talking on the phone about our not smoking thing. And he was saying how I was making excuses of how I wouldnt be able to do it. I knew I was feeling weak about even thinking about quitting. And I have now gone days with out a smoke or even a smoking aid of any kind. I am craving one right now but I dont want to smoke because I am trying to be strong.

I have been going for lots of walks to distract myself from having a smoke. I walked around westwood lake tonight with one of my friends and it was awesome. My friend was like here , and he handed me one of his smokes and he said just hold on to it. And strangely it did help. I told that to my bf and he said yeah its about breaking the habit of the addiction too.

I might end up having one of the smoking aid losenges which would sooth my craving but I am trying to resist.

I loved going to the 7/11 after the big walk around the lake and having a slurpee. mmm so refreshing and bonus I found a movie for sale it looked nice and girly yay now I have something cool to watch tomorrow.

today

I have really enjoyed being on my day off. I have to work tomorrow but thats ok. Just tomorrow then I have the weekend off so life is great. I went and hung out with my friend Sherry and we had a lovely visit. She is such a calming person and we have wonderful talks. She has wonderful decorations in her place. I was talking to her about getting some big red velvet curtains for the living room which I think would look so pretty.

She and her husband make wine so I get to taste their latest batches when I go there so its very interesting to see what they will have. I got to taste blackberry wine very yummy.

I am listening to the music Florence + the machine right now. The song girl with one eye. Its such a good song She has a powerful voice.