When I first met him, well the first time we spoke was online on the internet. I was on this online dating site and I had met a few men but nothing stuck or even really caught my interest. Then I got this message from a guy who just messaged me out of the blue. I really wasn't paying too much attention and I told him my name and he said to me that he was really excited about it. I asked why and he said when he was a little boy that he had always wanted to be with a girl named Ella. I thought that was sweet, he asked me to meet him the next day so I said sure.
The next day when I was waiting for Jake at the park where he wanted me to meet him, I was a little nervous. I also remember being really thirsty. It was such a beautiful day in June with warmth in the air. Nothing was really known about this man I had willed myself to wait for except that he was going to be driving a white truck. The picture on his profile was not very clear so i didnt really know what he looked like for sure.
I was waiting for him at a picnic table and started to get antzy , so I started to walk around shading my eyes from the sun. With each sound of a vehicle approaching, I would look even more frantically. Then for some reason I couldn't remember what Jake had said he was driving or what color it was. So I started getting more and more nervous. Why was I getting all worked up over someone I had never even seen before, but it felt different, like it mattered or something. Then out of the corner of my eye, I noticed this man who was wearing sunglasses and leaning on a white truck, was watching me as I paced back and forth. If only I had known then what I know now. If only I trusted people more back then, then maybe now in the present, things wouldnt be the way they are now.
Those moments are burned into my mind forever. I feel some regret in this life I have now but also I possess knowledge which I didnt have then. I know the lonelyness and the longing I have felt. Why are people such fools and so eagar to jump into things with people who they barely even know their name? I watch my friend now who is so miserable and my heart goes to him. For he has true sadness. The two of us have known each other for quite a number of years now and we know each other inside and out. We have seen each other at our worst moments and survived. Yes the word survive is a word that seems to ring true to alot of us. Its a word that we live by sometimes and don't even know that we are meerly living on the brink of only scraping by. For me I know that I have allowed myself to live emotionally starved and squashed for what I really want.
We dont allow ourselves to admit feelings that we bottle up and lock up and throw away the key. Well at least hide it from harms way and then we dont even know how to open up anymore. I dont mean to sound jaded but life and relationships of any nature can be more than we bargined for. Fear is a funny thing. It keeps us at arms length from what we truely need or want. It stops us from living and moving forward, sometimes even from breathing. As I write this , I pause and allow myself to feel. Such soft waves of grace surround the world. If only we looked for it we wouldnt have to be alone.
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