Story Two- Part 1

The night was dark and dingy , there was light that shone through a window in my apartment that night, revealing the break of dawn aproaching. I push a dark strand of ebony hair that was down to my waist, just behind my ear as I yawned for the millionth time. I looked at the clock on the stove in the kitchen and it was nearly 4am. Why were nights always like this for me I wondered, as a streched my long slender legs while I sat on the floor. I was so bored of my life, nothing seemed to excite me nothing really happened well at least not to me anyway. I looked down at my knees with my blue eyes and pulled them up to my chin as I hugged them to my chest. I guess it was time to go to sleep and see if I would actually be able to dream.
It had only seemed like meere minutes had past when I was awoken to the sound of my cell phone ringing beside my head.
"Addy is that you?" my friend Jed said on the other end of the phone. I nodded and then realaized that he couldnt see me and said"yes J but I have barely gotten any sleep. what do you need?" ,I said sleepily into the the phone.
"You wont believe what I saw. You have to come with me right now, Im downstair at your front door but your doorman wont let me in," Jed said with exasperation. New York city doorman were a wonderful thing sometimes they kept out the ones you wanted to see and those you didn't . I smiled to myself and then replied, " ok J , Ill be right down." I pressed the red end key on my cell phone and put it in my purse and threw on a clean shirt and some black pants and my shoes, while tying my hair back with my hair elastic from the night before. One quick look in the mirror on the wall by my door and I felt like there was nothing more I could do to improve my look so I put my favorite green hoodie, with a picture of a fairy on and opened the old wooden door that had a handle that seemed to always stick when you locked it.

Part two- Story 1

When I first met him, well the first time we spoke was online on the internet. I was on this online dating site and I had met a few men but nothing stuck or even really caught my interest. Then I got this message from a guy who just messaged me out of the blue. I really wasn't paying too much attention and I told him my name and he said to me that he was really excited about it. I asked why and he said when he was a little boy that he had always wanted to be with a girl named Ella. I thought that was sweet, he asked me to meet him the next day so I said sure.
The next day when I was waiting for Jake at the park where he wanted me to meet him, I was a little nervous. I also remember being really thirsty. It was such a beautiful day in June with warmth in the air. Nothing was really known about this man I had willed myself to wait for except that he was going to be driving a white truck. The picture on his profile was not very clear so i didnt really know what he looked like for sure.
I was waiting for him at a picnic table and started to get antzy , so I started to walk around shading my eyes from the sun. With each sound of a vehicle approaching, I would look even more frantically. Then for some reason I couldn't remember what Jake had said he was driving or what color it was. So I started getting more and more nervous. Why was I getting all worked up over someone I had never even seen before, but it felt different, like it mattered or something. Then out of the corner of my eye, I noticed this man who was wearing sunglasses and leaning on a white truck, was watching me as I paced back and forth. If only I had known then what I know now. If only I trusted people more back then, then maybe now in the present, things wouldnt be the way they are now.
Those moments are burned into my mind forever. I feel some regret in this life I have now but also I possess knowledge which I didnt have then. I know the lonelyness and the longing I have felt. Why are people such fools and so eagar to jump into things with people who they barely even know their name? I watch my friend now who is so miserable and my heart goes to him. For he has true sadness. The two of us have known each other for quite a number of years now and we know each other inside and out. We have seen each other at our worst moments and survived. Yes the word survive is a word that seems to ring true to alot of us. Its a word that we live by sometimes and don't even know that we are meerly living on the brink of only scraping by. For me I know that I have allowed myself to live emotionally starved and squashed for what I really want.
We dont allow ourselves to admit feelings that we bottle up and lock up and throw away the key. Well at least hide it from harms way and then we dont even know how to open up anymore. I dont mean to sound jaded but life and relationships of any nature can be more than we bargined for. Fear is a funny thing. It keeps us at arms length from what we truely need or want. It stops us from living and moving forward, sometimes even from breathing. As I write this , I pause and allow myself to feel. Such soft waves of grace surround the world. If only we looked for it we wouldnt have to be alone.

Part One- Story 1

Today there is a man who walks the world alone. I know him well, he is a person who is so tender hearted that he wears his heart on his sleeve. That in its self isnt bad but the one thing is that he gets hurt. I will tell you a bit about me. I am a girl who seems to live agelessly. I am always told that I look like I am either a senior in high school or just graduated, which is nice because I am at least 12 years out of high school. My hair has changed many colors over the years and at the moment its a dark brown which was dyed a black with a bit of warmth added. A friend of mine recently looked at my hair and said she was jealous of how my hair hadn't faded. I wish i could tell her that there is this secret reason why and that there was a solution but like most things in life, that is not the case.
We do this as humans alot. We get it into our heads that everything is the way it is for a reason that is to make sense, and works in our favor somehow. Boy are we ever wrong. I mean since when is life that layed out and perfect. Yes thats right everyone, I get everything I ever want and nothing ever goes wrong. I laugh to myself and think if only that were true. Anyways, I digress, I was telling you about this man that I know.
Today had not been a very good day for him. There have been some girl toubles that he has been having and now she wont talk to him. I care for him so much. But what can you do. Maybe I'll start at the beginning. I have been in love very few times where it has been a for real thing and not some painful infatuation. We are so good at fooling ourselves of love arent we. Its the simple boy meets girl, he sees her beauty and she sees his charm and he sees her sparkle she sees him laugh and the sparks fly. The next part is always a bit more tricky though. I'm sure alot of you out there know what comes next. Yes there comes a date or two then that dreaded thing that we call reality seeps in and starts to put a crack in our mirrored image of what we think we see.

more to come.... this is a story i am writing

A special one

Life is full of so many things a magical mystery for us to unwrap from moment to moment.

What is it that inspires us to keep peering in to find out what we dont know? Is it the anticipation of the unknown tapping at us from all angles?

I sit here and think that I cant help but want to bring all of my sweet and funny and strange friends around me. I miss those that are away.

They bring out the interest of that unknown stuff. I will always look on facebook and want to see how they are.

I have a particular friend names sherri my little belt loops and sunflower seeds lady. My Sherri berri. I have known this lady for many years now. For over half of my life. She is the one who really changed me in so many ways. I know men in my life have changed me but Sher is such a pure and loving heart. Yes we bug each other like sisters. We have the rivalry and the competition. But we also have the warmth and the tender heart of pure love and compassion. In every time in my life where I really needed something or someone or didnt know how to say something or really wanted divine guidence, I always turned to her. Sher is the most driven and one of the most beautiful women of gods lovely daughters.

Sherri has lived out her life in many ways and things arent always easy for her, she gets obstacles like all of us but she isnt afraid to live. And she really desires to hear the promptings from god and she listens for him. And she captures beauty so well in her pictures.

I love you darling

soft thoughts

I sit here contemplating the future. You know you really have no control over other peoples happyness. One moment you may think so but really even if you love someone you really cant do anything to make things better. I mean having a conversation with someone can be intentionally wonderful and full of joy. And then the next moment it can become all melencoly and somber and may even make you cry.
It wanting that other person to feel better and knowing that you may not be able to stop their loss of hope or whatever it may be.

Im not talking about anyone or any thing inparticular.

roses are red violets are blue
God I love you

My Best friend

Theres a wonderful person who i love very much. Shes a very bright and witty and punney girl lol. Her eyes are very green and her hair has soft bouncy curls or she has her cute bangs. I would do anything for her. She is so great. I have needed her more and more over the years and we have so much fun together. Shes a very interesting girl. She once drew a graffiti picture on facebook that looked so real. She has a talent. I wish that she would see the beauty that I see in her. Sometimes she has troubles but that has never bothered me. It makes me able to be needed. I have watched her grow and change over time and she really has a lovely life. I am so proud of her. Her love for God is beyond most peoples understanding.

She has the most beautiful love with her husband. He is a special man. I always told her that the man who would love her and cherish her was out there. Then she found her wonderful Hubby. The love he has for her makes me so greatful and pleased because when I cant be there for her I feel good that I know she is well taken care of. I am very protective of her because she has been through more than a persons share of bad things. And to see her surrounded by such loving family and husband and friends makes me happy.

I pray that everyone will see the world through her fresh eyes. She sees the world for its beauty and she sees God in all of it. She trusts in God in a way that all of us should only hope to aspire to.

I hope that everyone out there has a friend who is that way.

day 3 or 4 of no smoking

Wow its been an adventure so far. I mean its very amazing at how much will power I seem to have. More than I thought I would. My bf and I were just talking on the phone about our not smoking thing. And he was saying how I was making excuses of how I wouldnt be able to do it. I knew I was feeling weak about even thinking about quitting. And I have now gone days with out a smoke or even a smoking aid of any kind. I am craving one right now but I dont want to smoke because I am trying to be strong.

I have been going for lots of walks to distract myself from having a smoke. I walked around westwood lake tonight with one of my friends and it was awesome. My friend was like here , and he handed me one of his smokes and he said just hold on to it. And strangely it did help. I told that to my bf and he said yeah its about breaking the habit of the addiction too.

I might end up having one of the smoking aid losenges which would sooth my craving but I am trying to resist.

I loved going to the 7/11 after the big walk around the lake and having a slurpee. mmm so refreshing and bonus I found a movie for sale it looked nice and girly yay now I have something cool to watch tomorrow.

today

I have really enjoyed being on my day off. I have to work tomorrow but thats ok. Just tomorrow then I have the weekend off so life is great. I went and hung out with my friend Sherry and we had a lovely visit. She is such a calming person and we have wonderful talks. She has wonderful decorations in her place. I was talking to her about getting some big red velvet curtains for the living room which I think would look so pretty.

She and her husband make wine so I get to taste their latest batches when I go there so its very interesting to see what they will have. I got to taste blackberry wine very yummy.

I am listening to the music Florence + the machine right now. The song girl with one eye. Its such a good song She has a powerful voice.

thisearly mornin

This early morning i have become very tired.
I did finally start working at Tim Hortons and things are good. And I have moved out of my dads now which has made life way more happy and peaceful for me. I have a wonderful bf who is away right now for the military and he comes back at the end of the summer. I look forward to it very much. It had been a chalenge having my hunney away and renos are being done downstairs and so many other things are happenin. I get to talk to him every night mostly. Except when he is in the field doing stuff in the bush then we dont talk unil he is back at the base.
I am trying to quit smoking and man is it ever hard. I went for a really long walk today and it did help. I still havent had a smoke so I am doing pretty good I would say. But i can feel the body craving. I do really want one but there is nothing I can do about it right now. I did get nicorette losenges which i will take tomorrow so that i dont have a smoke. I dont want to have one before bed though. I will be sleeping soon.

music and life

I love this music by city and color its this guy who has an incredible voice and plays guitar. Its inspiring. My fav song is so low, and in water i am beautiful. Amazing sound and it fill you up with sound. Another of my fav songs is called sometimes. I have heard his music where he is on stage and inbetween songs when he is tuning to different tuning he talks and its nice to see a person having fun.

I am still waiting to find out when I start at Tim Hortons. The boss there said I will get put on the schedule very soon but it may be another week or two. I know waiting is hard but at least I will have a full time job when this is done. There is someone who just got fired and two people that are pregnant who are leaving soon so i will get to have their hours.

I get to go on an adventure soon at 10am. And my counterpart is bringing me a coffee so i am excited. I have no idea where we are going me and Bella and a friend.

I just bought a new guitar yesterday and I love it. I wanted a smaller one I still have one but needed something a bit smaller.

a big desicion

I might go back to tim hortons because I want a full time job
this is my big dilema I want to move out of my dads place and back on my own. its what I really want. and the job I have is nice but its not full time and I have no idea if I will ever be able to get fulltime so I dont want to live in this house forever so I have no idea what to do.
I am gonna go and talk to my old boss today after I pick up bella from school
I really need to know what my options are.
I am gonna look at places to rent online today too
my life needs a change now
I wonder what will happen

fav songs and new job

hi again blogger land.


I love the new song well its a new song to me called lips of an angel by hinder. I heard it at church two weeks ago. Its the greatest song I like the sound of it and the guy singing is cute. Its about a guy who is still in love with his ex but he is with someone else. A lot of people out there can identify with that kinda situation. but Iwouldnt want to be living that song.

yeah and I worked at the bakery for a week and a bit and I found out I wasnt cut out for it. I am totally not a professional baker. But I have a new job starting on thursday so I am at least employed. It will be so much better working at a clothing store than working at the bakery because its more relaxed and slower paced.

I have been talking to my ex who is the most recent ex, we talk everyday on the phone. Its nice still being friends. He is away right now for the military and its nice having a friend who knows what you are already knows what you are going thru emotionally. My other friends know too but its always nice talking to the person who is involved.

I am going to see my friend Kelly today hopefully cause she is comming into town today. She lives an hour away practically. Well maybe its not that far but its at least a half hour drive. So i dont get to see her much . She is married and they are just in the works of getting a house for the first time. So i am excited for them. They will be moving one city closer.

new happenings

Well I have been going through lots of changes and I got to go to my two daughters school this morning. It was really fun. I got to go to the parent appreciation day where they have parents come and have free baked goods and coffee which I just couldnt say no too. I didnt know very many people because we have only been at the school a few weeks but I made myself be brave and try and talk with the other parents and staff. Then after there was a sprng concert for earthday. So that was really sweet to see especially when Bella ,whos in kindergarten, was singing her earth song and doing the actions and waving at me while doing that.
I also have been working at a high tea and bakery that is in rutherford mall or what they now call north town centre called polly annas

the beauty of the island

Wow its incredible the city we live in here on the island because you can seem like you are in this city life with car dealerships malls and traffic lights and then you go off the beaten track and there is life. There is so much living on the shore of the ocean. I went to this place called Neck Point yesterday and today and its a breath of fresh air and you can feel the peace and you can feel god. There is no question in my mind that our god is here and gave us so much breath taking views and ocean and trees. I walked along the trails and yesterday my friend and i and my girls were fliping over rocks and we found little eels that you can hold in you hands. I had never seen one before and i got to hold one and it was slithering in my hands it was a sensation i had never had. I love those moments. They brighten your day and pull you into this other world. I was sitting on a bench and looking at the ocean and i noticed the clouds and you could imagine that you could walk on them. The look of the clouds makde me see gods gifts in their true glory. Thank you lord for the people in my life that are making this new chapter of my life full and vibrant. Thank you for my best friend who I was with yesterday making me feel so alive and all the wonderful hugs and reminscing and laughter.

What Direction do you want?

I have been waiting and waiting all week to hear back from my two job interviews and still there is nothing. I just want to start working.What do you want from me god? I wish I knew what job I will have and how much longer I will have to look. I guess it will be back to looking again on thursday.

Anyways, I went and saw the Alice in Wonderland movie with Tom and both the girls and my friend Jenni. We had so much fun , we saw it in 3 D it rocked. I loved that it seemed like you could touch them. Like the butterflies. The girls this morning were talking about the movie this morning while they were eating thier popsicles. We went to costco last evening and we got these non dairy all fruit sorbet popsicles and they are so yummy. And Tom found non dairy KitKat bars and bought them.

might have a job soon

I just got a call today when I was having a nap and it was from the manager at booster juice. I go in tomorrow to have an hour interview so i am excited. They want me to try to make some smoothies which will be really fun. I have always liked eating the smoothies from there and so does my friend Kelly. For awhile there every day after church we would go and get a booster juice. Kellys fav drink is the juice that has beets in it. I have tryed it and i didnt care much for it.I seem to like the ones that have pinapple or peaches. or something tropical with co co nuts in them. I am excited about working because I have been looking for a job for over a month now. So everyone out there in blog land please pray that Iget this job.
I even made a smoothie tonight with Bella because i love them so much.

My Daughters Bella and Zoe

Bella (Isabella), is my sweet and funny 5 and a half year old daughter. she is very expressive. She is always saying things to people and making everyone laugh. Bella loves playing outside and being the center of attention. She is the younger of my two daughters and she is the baby of the family. She is very cuddly and loving. Dont you just love the hero whoreship that children give you. You never asked to be a queen but sometimes Bella calls me that and says she is the princess. This little girl is always hungry, but even though i feed her constantly she does have her limits for sure. If she doesnt like something she will say that she is full. Does anyone else out there think they have the cutest children in the world well i sure do. Bella loves to bug her older sister Zoe all the time.

Zoe is my 9 year old daughter. She is very blond and blue eyed. The two girls are like night and day in looks. Zoe is an artist and was in an art camp in the last summer that passed. She love to be a princess and be the perfect angel. She loves my aproval. Shew is always trying to be the good daughter. She is very into clothes and has her own unique style of clothing. She has very girly friends and they just had a playdate recently and she came back with sparkles and play make up on her pretty little face.